Sipadan Island

First day diving off Sipadan Island today. The Malaysian authorities are strict about who can go and when. A few years ago, they kicked everyone off and now guard it day and night and only let people like us visit, but not stay.

There's plenty of wildlife on it though. In fact a coupe of huge iguanas scuttled out from under the boardwalks we had our break, on scaring us half to death!

We did two boat dives. Amazing. The sea here full of interesting things, clear and like a warm bath. The island is surrounded by walls of coral and rock, hundreds of metres deep and there's usually a current so once you've jumped off the boat and sorted out your buoyancy at a good depth, you can just sit back and let yourself float past the face of the reef watching all that lives in it and on it or is just passing by.

I feel so privileged to be able to get to know the underwater world even just a fraction. There are creatures down there I had no idea existed. They all seem so dextrous (unlike me) and busy in their own way. From above it looks so daunting and choppy but the moment you plunge in, take your first breath and have a look, around it becomes an absolute haven.

We saw gigantic turtles today (I nearly bumped in to one), my first shark, huge schools of dragon, rock, pipe, razor, puffa and lion fish, eels, sea horses, besides dozens of others we don't yet know the names of. What a great show!

We're also getting to know the other divers better. A real mixed bag of a lone English girl whose doing something similar to us, a Malaysian coupe who say nothing but are very experienced, two sweet Japanese women (they predictably have the most funky colour coordinated gear and cameras), and a portly older American 'oil man' and his much younger pretty Kazakhstani girlfriend. It works.

Ric and I were useless at 'buddying' each other at first but after a few hairy moments between us, we're sticking together now. It's bad when I start giggling, which I seem prone to do underwater, especially at Ric when he flaps about like a drowning dog. He's getting much better at that though and not chundering. We reckon this could be the reason for that.

We both still get nose bleeds and I find it bloody hard to equalize which husts my ears!

Tomorrow we're going to hire a water-proofed camera. Wish we had one already!

There's something strangely grounding and simultaneously elevating about being 20 metres deep in water, completely reliant on a tank of air strapped to one's back, and hearing and watching one's breath bubble upwards.

I felt so small and vulnerable today, both under the water and on the boat from which we saw almost a complete 360 degree horizon and a brilliant blue sky. Funny to think we are looking at the same sun which shines back home.

I felt frustrated too. A familiar feeling. All this beauty, such marvels and yet I am still being hounded by my 'demons', for want of a much better expression. The irrational fears I have and negatively I feel towards myself have a constant presence. I never expected them to evaporate but they do seem pretty silly and irrelevant suddenly. I wonder if 'it', if life gets any better than this and if I can ever feel the happiness I imagine I should be experiencing. I think a lot about my loved ones back home, especially those who are suffering a lot while I'm exploring the world and I realise how fortunate I am to be here.

I am very happy to be sharing this all with Ric. Right now, I don't ever want to return to London. This is much better for my health!

One more day diving here tomorrow and then off to see the Orang Utans and climb the highest mountain in Asia!