Fact and Fiction with OCD

I've been alerted to something important about myself today. It concerns my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the thoughts which come with that.

Most people are afraid of something beyond their control, some have irrational fears or phobias about things which can't or are highly unlikely to happen and which seem to have no origin. Others have superstitions. Some might call religion a kind of superstition. And people use behaviours to act on these superstitions and fears.

People assume that those with eating disorders are afraid of getting fat, and thus have a fear of food. This might be true, though it is rarely the cause of an eating disorder, only a symptom and a developed way of thinking in order to control one's environment. For me, food is a learned way to control the feelings and fears I have about other things, beyond ration and control.

I have spent a lot of time worrying about hurting others, thinking I am a bad person, fretting that I have it in me to become someone I'm not. It doesn't seem to matter that in all the 20 or so years I've had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, none of the scenarios I imagined have come true and I've never to my knowledge have I done anything to warrant such fears and so such self loathing. I've always thought that the fact that I am worried about such things in the first place implies that I must must have it in me somewhere. Thoughts don't come out of nowhere do they? Well not entirely but we also have powerful imaginative minds which can play tricks with us. We all have thoughts some are logical and some are not, this is fact, and mostly we can rationalise and puts the freak one to one side.

I am not so good at this. I suffer from a guilty complex, a belief that the things I do or even don't do can in some way affect others profoundly. I realise it's quite crazy and often I laugh at myself but I still have the fears.

I've never met anyone with OCD before. Not like mine. And I think that only exacerbates the belief that I am different and weird and worse, an evil person.

My fears are not of flying or spiders or heights or even tall people. They are something far less tangible but not that different from any other phobia which engulfs one's brain. And the I ask myself 'Has the person who is scared of spiders ever been bitten? Has the person afraid of heights ever fallen? No, well then why should I worry that I could hurt people if there's no evidence beyond my thoughts?) and when I start to think of myself like that, as someone who has a phobia rather than a bad person who wants to do bad things but doesn't know it, I start to think I'm not so bad, I'm a silly, irrational fool who cares too much, who is too conscientious and ultimately harmless. Why? Maybe because I'm the eldest child, maybe because I think with the right side of my brain, maybe because I have faulty synapses, a genetic defect, maybe it's because I stopped saying my prayers, maybe I am just used to it now. Who knows? Who cares except me? You can't help thoughts though can you? You just have to have some faith in yourself.

I'm not religious but sometimes I think the words of faith can be of great comfort whatever our fears or circumstances:

God, grant me the
Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change
Courage
to change the
things I can
and the
Wisdom
to know the difference.