Living alone and going back to work

I've not been writing much this week, partly because I've been working from 8.30am until 7pm most days and partly because I'm not very happy. Ric has been gone for two weeks now and I miss him dreadfully.

He's had the time of his life on Fraser Island and the photos convey a paradise, albeit a pretty drunken one. And onwards he goes. Every day a new journey with fresh beers to be drunk and bikini-clad girls to photograph.

Meanwhile, I feel like I've lost a part of me and hate being in the flat by myself night after night with hardly any friends to call or go out with. He says he's missing me too and will return once he has 'done his coastal thang' but I am living in a constant state of anxiety wondering if, when, under what circumstances will he come back. Will he meet someone else? Will he decide to go right around Oz without me? All I can do is sit tight, get on with my job and keep busy and not let on how crap I feel!

You can never really tell what that boy's next move will be so there's not much else I can do. He seems to have no compunctions about leaving me on my own and in the lurch which makes me seriously wonder what else he might do to hurt me.

I am trying to socialise and even took myself off to a local music festival today. We are celebrating Paul's birthday tonight too which will be fun.

It's not all doom and gloom here. I started work proper on Monday and by Wednesday they had all but offered me a full time job which would involve helping to manage the office and the company finances and looking after one of the two directors who has taken a shine to me. Apparently he doesn't usually bother to learn the junior staff's names, let alone the temps' but he took mine on board immediately and I have been sorting him out all week.

I have said I'll think about it. It's hugely flattering and just great to be wanted so much and praised so highly. It's not where I imagined working at all though!

It's a fabulous building to work in and I like all the team but it's no walk in the park working there as the big cheeses (father and three sons) are incredibly old-school and demand a hard working team. At this stage I don't mind it a bit though and I have thrown myself in to it. I find it fascinating and a great distraction from other concerns. I should join a class, a sports team, write etc. but I'm so exhausted when I get back each night I just want to go to bed!

Who knows how long I can stick it here without Ric though. It's tempting to go home to England sometimes especially when Ric says he's having the most fun he's had all year - yes - more fun without me there. At least I'd have friends around me in London and wouldn't have to go over to Charlotte and Paul's for a sob. I know he'll come back eventually but it would be nice to know when.

The end of the grumpy woman rant.

A visit to Canberra

The clouds were only just holding their rain as we set off from Mittagong for Canberra early yesterday morning. It was grey and cold and even more so when we arrived in the capital two hours later, reflecting and exacerbating the austere 1970s concrete buildings which the city is mostly comprised of.

It ain't a pretty place, that's for sure and I'm sad to say that although I have learnt to make my own mind up about places it felt as barren and soulless, if clean, as others had told me it would.

I can see why people might chose to bring their children up there though as it feels like a safe place.

We packed a lot in to our two day visit. First we went to the War Memorial Museum which is extensive and fascinating and overrun with school parties! We didn't need a guide as my father gave us the ultimate tour, knowing as he does so much about military history.

We then drove (you can't walk round Canberra with ease since it's all so spread out- but there are a lot of cycle paths!) to the new Parliament House where we sat in on a session of Question Time. It was extremely entertaining watching all the MPs and Prime Minister Rudd bicker, refrain from answering each others' questions directly and take the mickey out of each other. It didn't appear that they were there to achieve or resolve anything, just have a go at each other for the sake of the audience. What a pantomime!

I'm not sure I like the Parliament building's architecture and minimalist style decor but it isn't fusty and creates a somewhat calm ambiance. The colours are very neutral, reflecting the grey-blue-green of gum trees. The views around and across Lake Burley Griffin of the High Court, the Government buildings and the National Museum, Library and Gallery are impressive.

After Question Time, it was on to the National Gallery which is home to a modest collection of Victorian, Impressionist and more modern works by mostly Australian artists. I'm afraid I've rather maxed out on museums and galleries already this year so my mind wandered...hmmm...yes, OCD was getting the better of me and I'm missing Ric's level head and humour.

After that, with our legs beginning to feel slightly weary with all the walking, we headed to the hotel to dump our stuff.

We stayed in an unusual business-y hotel (and I thought I'd seen everything in the world of hotels!) called The Pavilion which housed a jungle in the middle! Well, alright, it wasn't that big but a huge area in the centre of the building was full of tropical plants. We enjoyed good food in the restaurant and I had a King size bed just for me. Sarah rinsed the supplies of tea, jams and Vegemite at the breakfast table this morning.

Today we went to the National Museum which displayed a lot of indigenous artifacts, art and some natural history. It's a very good place for Australians to visit and for school children doing projects but it left me a bit cold. Then we hit the shops in the Civic area where my gait was observed, my weight distribution assessed, my feet measured and finally fitted with a 'perfect pair' of running shoes in the rather unfortunately named 'Athlete's Foot' store. I also got another blouse for work, it's my new addiction - shopping for corporate work attire. Yikes - I don't want to think about that tonight.

Finally on our way back to Mittagong today visited our old house in

Address:

Lyneham. I couldn't believe how familiar it looked even though I haven't seen it for exactly 20 years. The shrubs in the garden have grown up a bit but I'll never forget the garden's long shape and the big living room windows. It made me sad to see it again, trespassing as we were on someone else's property to catch a glimpse of our former lives. Happier days in my mind. 'Don't look back' said my Dad. I do all the time, I thought, such is the nature of my ever confronting and questioning OCD addled brain.

Seeing Canberra again has stirred me deeply. I hadn't remembered the greyness or town planning (well I wasn't even 8 years old when we left in '88) but I do recall the cold from my time there in the mid 1980s, as well as other fragments of my childhood: days spent playing in the grass and bark chips of our bungalow's long garden, the spiky black slugs writhing about in a hissing cluster on the garden fence, the neighbour who showed my brother and I a tiny bird he had caught flying around his living room, the pale blue of the local swimming pool, protecting my brother from the big boys at Sunday School, being told to 'stop looking so serious Alexandra' at school, drawing, painting, cutting and pasting for hours at our little table and chairs, the rose gardens outside the Government buildings, my mother's long floral print skirts and tissues in her handbags, always fighting to claim her free hand, hiding in my father's wardrobe to surprise him when he got home from work, dreams about saving my brother from certain death by ginormous rubber trumpets or ant hills (don't ask), my baby sister being brought home for the first time, going to see princess Diana and my first 'boyfriend' Liam Baker whose lap I sat on once while he patted my back. All these memories and so many others have flooded back to me since I started thinking about this trip and particularly now that I am here.

It doesn't feel like home yet though and perhaps never will but I feel I have at least claimed something of my Australian self back in recent weeks which makes me feel so much older suddenly but also like a child as I pine after my mother, worry about my father, learn about my family's past, recall my memories as if things happened yesterday, and now settle down and forge a new-ish life and in some ways identity for myself in Sydney. I learn something new about myself, my relatives and this intriguing multi-faceted country almost every day and the more I get to know it the more I'd like to stay.

Ric is still on his way north. He visited to Australian Zoo today having escaped Surfers Paradise. I'm trying to leave him in peace but am missing him dreadfully and cry every time he sends me one of his silly texts.

Tomorrow I am meeting my step-sister and her husband for the first time and then going back to the flat where I will find out if I left the straighteners on over the weekend. Yikes!

My school friend Evie Wyld (also half Aussie) has just told me that she has literally just found out that her first novel is to be published by none other than Jonathan Cape!! I am so thrilled for her. What an inspiration! Well done girl! Read this for a taster.

Going back to work and being on my own again

I had my first day of work yesterday. Everyone in the office was very smart but warm and helpful and I think I'll enjoy my time there, if not the hours (8.30 - 5.30 at the earliest).

The Judges House is a really fascinating old building, a cottage really, on Kent Street (and about a 15min walk from our flat!). I felt a million dollars in my suit and was glad I dressed up since everyone at the office looks immaculate. I was kept busy and they seem to like me. It feels very strange to be working again!

I don't have to go back now until next Monday which is a bit boring but it gives me a chance to hop on a train to the country to see my dad, Kate and Sarah. I'm looking forward to escaping the city for a few days.

We'll also go to Canberra to see where I spent my early school years and the war memorial museum.

To my delight, my father has just given me a copy of his freshly written autobiography. I haven't been able to read it thoroughly yet but it makes for a compelling read and is a very candid, detailed and sometimes brutal account of his life thus far. It truly is a testament to his character and his voracious mind and I will treasure it.

Ric reports that he has been diving (though it wasn't that enjoyable being cold and disorganised) and is now avoiding the teenage stoners in Nimbin. He has been offered work at an excellent web agency here in Sydney so he now thinks he'll do some work after all when he gets backs from his trip. This pleases me no end!

It's lonely here without him, the television is dull, I can't concentrate on my books and I'm not enjoying my own company any more! The temptation to abuse my food is also great which frustrates me no end, so I'm eager to rejoin my family ASAP. At least I have my wombat (above) to cuddle tonight.

Work!

Yikes! It's Monday morning and I'm off to work for the first time in over four months!

I got up at 6am just to make sure I had enough time to run, dress, put slap on and fix my hair.

Now I'm killing time as I don't have to be there for another hour. Another cup of tea...

Why do I find it so hard to find shirts that fit me? They are either too tight around the middle or the bust or the arms, and gape open revealingly but a bigger size always look stupidly baggy. Argh! Perhaps I need to get one made up. Perhaps I'm literally not cut out for this office malarkey.

It all feels somewhat ridiculous anyhow considering my mission to get away from the rat-race and do something true to my creative instincts. The things we think and say when we're on deserted sandy islands in Thailand hey? Ah well. It's not forever.

Ric has gone diving today, lucky sod. I don't think he is a fan of surfing and found it cold and difficult yesterday. I'd love to be in the sea right now.

Ric goes surfing and I get to work

We have been busy here in Surry Hills. My sister arrived on Wednesday so I've been showing her round town and visiting the sites. Taronga Zoo, where I fell in love with wombats again, and the Aquarium at Darling Harbour are fabulous! They really put Beijing's concrete prison to shame and the views from within the zoo are fantastic. Lucky giraffes!

Seeing the fishies today made me long to go diving again, or at least get some pet ones. I'm looking in to dive sites around Sydney as we speak.

Due to my eagerness to get back to work I decided to go down the temp route and consequently registered with a few agencies while Ric bought a bus ticket for the east coast. He left in the early hours of this morning. I miss him so much already but I wont call...

Fortunately, I wont have much time to dwell as I have a job starting on Monday! Hurrah!

It's not exactly the broadcasting job of my dreams and I'll probably be bored senseless answering the phone and pushing pens around my desk all day but it's better than sitting at home while I wait for the ABC to come up with something. I'll be working for a rather high-profile client and his family, 'very corporate...a good name to have on your CV' and dealing with 'highly confidential matters'. Sounds intriguing!

I'll certainly enjoy meeting people and having some pocket money. I just hope the massive red spot on my face vanishes before Monday morning!

And then there's the other problem, my attire. Despite my sister bringing out an entire suitcase full of dark clothes, my wardrobe still looks like a backpacker's, albeit a fairly discrete one. So with clothes panic in motion, I trawled some of the cheaper shops in search of my new corporate look. I soon gave up on that idea however and went to David Jones where I bought a very swish three piece suit. I spent at least an hour in the fitting rooms frazzling the assistant and trying various garments on. I'm used to wearing scruffy shorts and T-shirts to work so the look is hard to get used to. I quite like it though, especially with my new heels and fitted blouses (not sure about the ruffle one). Since I can walk to work I don't think I'll get a bike just yet. I've yet to see a single female cyclist in Sydney and there aren't nearly as many commuter bikers here which I suppose is hardly surprising when the drivers are so hostile and the streets so hilly. I find that such a shame when the climate lends itself to cycling!

I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight to give my sis a good night's sleep before I pack her off to Mittagong tomorrow. Then I'm on my own with a stuffed wombat, a pile of unread books, a drawing pad and a notebook entitled 'Alex's Novel' for company. I also have a copy of Grazia magazine, the weekend edition of The Sydney Morning Herald and a 7inch telly for distraction.

The end of the weekend and the Beijing Olympics

It was a lovely sunny day today and the city looked beautiful with its rich blue sky.

Ric, Charlotte, Paul and I went for a walk around the harbour, the Opera House and the Botanical Gardens (which weren't hugely interesting at this time of year although very green) and sat basking in the sun on the edge of the water.

I love the fact that all this is just a short walk away from our flat. Another ten minutes stroll brought us to China Town for a late lunch (it was like being back in China except cleaner and with English menus!) and then to Darling Harbour for some early evening drinks.

Now we've settled down to watch the spectacular closing ceremony of the Olympics and the handover to the UK while I apply for yet more jobs (or are they the same ones as last week? They all seem the same now!).

I'm also conversing with my mum and sister in London about which of the items I stuffed in my ginormous suitcase back in April can be left behind when she comes out next week. She was allowed to bring two bags then. Now it's only one. Nightmare!

Having to decide between my GHDs, potions and perfumes, my converse trainers and stilettos, my LBDs and cycling shorts is not an easy business let me tell you!

We were very sad to watch the story of the baby whale unravel this week. There always seems to be a whale or shark story in the news here.

Ric is going to book his bus ticket tomorrow (watch this space) and I'm off to buy him some new underpants (at his request).

I'm still simmering away inside. That's a good way to describe how I am at the moment in this limbo period of no work and no sense of belonging here. I spend the day just off the boil, achieving nothing much beyond chugging round the park a few times, sending a few emails, writing a list or two, tidying, food shopping, cooking, more tidying. By 9pm, with tiredness framing my every move and desperate for the sweetness of forbidden treats, I am ready to boil.

But I must not. I can not. Sydney is a great place, we have a sweet little flat and our time here has only just begun. I know that as soon as I have a job and a few friends and some warm weather I will wonder why I was so impatient.

Settling down or taking off?

Things are looking up a bit here in wind-swept Sydney - ie. Ric isn't leaving me just yet.

I haven't found a job and am bored applying for ones I don't even want (in PR, Sales and Advertising mainly) and I haven't decided if and when to go off traveling but Ric has changed his mind again and decided not to disappear immediately or if he does, I will meet him in Cairns in a few weeks.

In fact, after my initial panic about being abandoned, I've decided to encourage him to go as he's never been away on his own and we could probably do with some space. Plus it would give my sister and I a little more room here in the tiny flat for a while. I also don't much fancy the idea of bussing round Oz. I did enough of those long journeys in Asia and they weren't fun. I know it's a bit of a cop-out to miss out on the in between bits but I can live without seeing various sheep farms, ranches and vast expanses of outback en route to the northern coast.

So there we are, no major fall out after all. Neither of us wants that really and for the most part we get on fantastically. Who knows what he'll feel after a few weeks on the road with out me and my funny eating and all those 'bang tidy' gap year girls...

We've finally got Internet in the flat which has revolutionised our evenings. I realise that sounds a little pathetic but we were about to go out and buy Scrabble or a jigsaw puzzle. The telly is really rather bad - a mixture of budget adverts, British dramas and sport.

We're off to a house party later. It will be good for us to go out as we've done it so little since we got here. I wish my wardrobe was more stylish and smart. I'm quite tempted to bin all the scruffy clothes I traveled in. If I get an office job I might well have to buy some suits!

We've enjoyed the coverage of the Olympics but wish they'd shown a more diverse range of events and we could have done without the endless overtly patriotic Coles supermarket advertisements. Well done team Great Britain! Again, the coverage of their successes was minimal as is news from the UK in general.

We have discovered a very funny website on which you can 'yearbook yourself' - bored? us? never!